Yeah, no, thanks. Thanks for asking. It was a lot
of fun, I guess. Actually it was a lot of sitting around.
I don’t know why we were there for so many days.
The producer, Eric, I think he, well, I think he’s kind of a nervous guy and he
wanted to have the, sort of, I guess, the most opportunities to get the footage
they wanted.
Eric and me and a camera guy, Matt. I really liked
the camera guy, actually.
I don’t know why.
He was married, so.
Obviously. I understand.
Thanks for saying I’m beautiful. Even people
always being told how beautiful they are don’t always feel beautiful.
I’m not being sarcastic. When’s the last time your
guts were all puffed up with gas and bloating and period and you thought, Yes,
thank you, I am beautiful? And
beauty, I don’t know. Isn’t there something about the unfamiliar in beauty?
Like, my point, I guess, is that it’s always you across from you in the mirror
so it’s hard to be all, Oh, wow. Beautiful. Though, let me say, when I saw the
footage Matt got of me, I mean, even those little blond hairs I’ve only kept
around because I’m afraid if I start going to war with them they will come back
darker and coarser, in the footage Matt got even those seem kind a lovely. I
mean, not like they are mine so. So I could step back and say, Objectively,
those hairs look soft and beautiful and sexy and perfectly acceptable.
We were barely in the air before Matt and I had
covered all that getting to know you shit. Like, No, Silva is actually a
Portuguese name. Yes, I am a model, but I’m actually a musician, I’m trying to
make it as a musician. Actually, Matt even joked like you joke. He actually
said, Should be a winning combo.
No, I’m not shitting you.
Yeah, maybe that is why I took a liking to him,
he’s a genius like my sista. Get this. He’s a music video director, too. He
said maybe he could make me—
I told you he’s married.
No, I won’t stop saying that.
I hadn’t seen any of the videos he’s made, but we
watched a bunch of them.
What do you mean where? On his computer.
Yes in his room. Was he supposed to bring his
computer to the beach? Come on.
He left the door open and he sat in a chair.
Yes, okay. I lay on the bed. It doesn’t mean
anything.
Are you going to let me tell you about my trip?
Right, so I was lying on the bed watching videos
and I got really excited about his work so I went and grabbed my iPod from my
room and we listened to “Home Wrecker” and “Just One Weekend.”
What do you mean, Of course you did? Of course we did because those are my only
finished tracks.
No, not whatever. It’s true.
He wants to do a video for “Just One Weekend.”
I’ve got to save up some money or talk to the label.
I can’t— I’m not talking to you anymore.
Yes. He did offer to do it for free, but he was
just being nice.
Why are you asking if he had speakers in his room?
No, he didn’t have speakers in his room.
No. No. No. We didn’t sit there with one ear bud
in each of our ears our thighs lightly touching. He took the iPod over to his chair and I watched
him listen. His phone buzzed a few times while he had the headphones on, but he
didn’t hear it. He liked the songs and I was really happy he liked them. I
don’t know what he was expecting. He even said, “I don’t know what I was
expecting, but it wasn’t Alt Country.” We sat there for a sec, then I told him
about his phone. After he checked it, I asked if it was Eric and he said, “No.
It’s my wife. Facebook memory. I guess a year ago, one of my kids, my youngest
kid was sick. Threw her milk up all over my wife.” He showed me the picture she
sent. There was Milk puke, all white and chunky, sprayed on her gut and in her
belly button. “Bull’s eye,” I said. He smiled like the joke wasn’t funny. We
made eye contact. He said, “Sorry, that was a good one. I was just thinking
about something else.”
Look, stop it. That is not what he was thinking
about.
No, not of course. That is not of course what he was thinking about.
Why would you ask about what her belly looked
like? His wife’s belly?
A person is more than her belly. I am more than my
belly. She is more than her belly. It did look pretty good, though. For someone
who’s had two kids.
The kids are super-cute. He showed me on the
plane. I mean, I saw pictures a few different times. We were just sitting
around so much, so what else are you going to do? But on the plane, he was
talking to this guy across the aisle whose wife was pregnant. He had his phone
out to show that guy pictures. It was really sweet. The guy was really into it,
too. I mean, I would never just start a conversation with somebody like that.
I think, well, the woman was pregnant. Not
super-pregnant, but one of those people, those women, who look like they’ve
tucked a ball under their shirt. Something about their body type. Skinny
ladies. Anyway, I guess it was unambiguous. Still I thought it was bold when
Matt was like, “When are you due?”
No, totally. You wouldn’t— I mean on a bus or a
streetcar or whatever, you wouldn’t automatically get up for this chick,
’cause, like, you might wonder about it—she’d have a coat on I guess, she
didn’t have a coat on on the plane, I don’t think—but with a coat on, you would
really not be sure. She wasn’t, like, holding her lower back or anything.
Okay, so, Matt asks, “When are you due?” and the
husband jumps in, all super-sweet and proud. The wife, she looked relieved to
not have to talk about it. She just put headphones in and pulled out a
magazine.
So in between Matt and me getting to know each
other, and Eric just sitting all tense by the window and occasionally
interrupting to ask Matt if he remembered to bring this thing or that thing,
Matt and this dad, the future dad, across the aisle are having these cute
conversations. Like Future Dad would be like, How’s the sleeping thing? and
Matt would give some answer like, Well, it sucks for a while and while it sucks
you feel like the shitty times will never end, but then it doesn’t suck anymore
and you can’t even remember what it was like when it sucked or how long it
sucked for.
It wasn’t exactly that, I don’t think, but
something like that. The part that was so interesting to me, though, was when
the pregnant wife got up to go to the bathroom. He said. Well, what he said,
that was something, but before he says it he looks me in the eyes then he sort
of changes his focus a bit to take in all of me. Not in some sleazebag way.
Still, it was hot, somehow, and I got this like rush of—feeling.
Yes, I did get— Yes. I was turned on.
I’m not being demure. Anyway, Matt’s look was like
there was some calculating going on. Does that make sense? Like he was doing
the old emotional math. Then he turns to the guy and tells him, essentially, to
have as much sex now as he can because after the baby is born that’s it for a
long time. It was amazing the way his words started piling up. He was talking
fast, almost interrupting himself. Or like, it was like he’d had this five
minute speech ready and rehearsed, but he’d only been given two minutes to
speak.
I wish I’d been able to pay more attention, but
Eric taps me from the other side and points to something out the window and
asks me if I’ve ever been to Cuba. So I’m making small talk with him. When Matt
finishes. I can see out of the corner of my eye that he’s sitting there
awkwardly, his hands on his lap. Eventually he pulled out a book and started
reading while I was listening to Eric talk about some Cuban metal band he saw
at a festival on his three week road trip to see “the real Cuba.” It, actually,
now that I’m talking about it, what Eric was saying was pretty interesting.
Super interesting. But—
Matt did not want to fuck me.
Okay, sure, we were hitting it off. If he wanted
to fuck me, he would have . . . I mean he would have done something to— To—
Well, to do it. You know?
How could I miss it?
Think about it. Listen to you.
Shh. Okay okay. I am thinking about it.
Shh.
What do you mean, Just tell me what you are
thinking about?
Okay, fine. It’s actually like a montage. Do you
ever wonder if we think like we think because of, whatever, TV and movies and
such? Or if we—I don’t mean you and me, obviously, but like people. Mankind.
Humankind— If we create things like montages because we have the technology
now, but we’ve always had that way of thinking?
Fine. I’ll start describing the montage. Roll the
film.
I have to close my eyes.
On the beach, he would never actually look at me,
except really quickly. Or he might stare at a foot or something.
When I first walked out of my room with my bikini,
that one—that hot pink one—he looked down at his feet and held his towel over
his crotch.
On the beach, too, I could sometimes see his
little man raise its head and flop over to the side as he tried to, you know.
As he cleared his throat and shook his head at his open book.
No. See, I told you. There’s more— Actually, well.
Although, that stuff’s sort of cute.
Then Matt had to shoot me for the commercial. Or
Public Service Announcement or whatever. Eric had three bikinis for me to try
on and I’m getting changed in Eric’s bathroom and I notice he’s got condoms in
his open . . . his . . . those little, like, sometimes leather—
—yeah, toiletries bag. His open toiletries bag.
I go out in the first bikini and Eric and Matt
scrutinize me and Eric is all asking questions like, “Don’t you think her
breasts look too flat in that top?” and Matt’s like, “I see what you mean.
Sure.” Then Eric would have me lie down on the bed, which made sense because I
had to lie down in the video. He’d stand up on the bed, he’d get down on his
hands and knees and look at my breast and my crotch. I flinched when he pointed
between my legs and asked me to adjust my suit. Then he’d have me flip over and
look at my ass. Each time he’d put hands on either side of me on the bed. I
could feel him breathing on the back of my thighs.
Ew
is right. With the first bikini he tried to get Matt to come over, but Matt
said, “I can see from here.” Eric shook his head and snorted and, like, hot air
and maybe some snot sprayed all over me. I actually used his hand towel to wipe
it off before I put on the next suit.
As Eric was getting on the bed to check out the
second suit, Matt’s phone starts ringing and he picks up.
You’re right. This totally isn’t a montage
anymore.
Yep. A full-blown scene. Only I forget the
dialogue, exactly, but I know that from what Matt said into his phone that
Matt’s wife was missing work because one of the girls had a fever and that
there was some other trouble. Matt went outside to finish the conversation and
Eric was pissed about it, snorting like some bull or pig. Getting very barnyard. I
told him, “I’ve gotta pee,” just so I could get out of there, out of that room
with just Eric, and get myself behind a locked door. He wasn’t happy about it,
but he lifted his arm and let me free. In the bathroom, I stole two of his
condoms.
You’re right, Eric does sound like a creep, but—
No, I don’t carry condoms with me.
I just don’t. You think I have sex with people all
the time?
You know I don’t. It’s not my style.
Ha-huh. . . . I— Uh. Yeah. Yeah. You got me. I was going to say that there
were beautiful waiters and there were. Bartenders. Guys paid to dance with
guests. But no, it was Matt. I was obviously thinking about the possibility.
Exposed. Exposed.
We picked a bikini and we drove to a section of
beach that Eric had found. Matt spent more time looking at the scenery than he
spent looking at me when I was on that bed. Eric watched—
What?
Nah it didn’t hurt my feelings.
I swear it didn’t.
You’re right, I noticed. Obviously, I noticed. I’m
telling you about it. But it felt— I knew he’s trying to be respectful,
right? I made sure he was watching
when I stripped down to that bathing suit.
Yeah I did, for sure, and wiggled my hips into the
bargain. As sexy as I got in me. Tried to channel my inner stripper.
Why thank you. I hope I did a great job.
That’s right. He got that shot of the little blond
hairs. With the camera in his hand now, Matt’s crawling all over me, too.
Straddling. So different, though. He apologized anytime his jeans brushed
against me or this one time his elbow bumped into my thigh. Even apologized
when he breathed on me.
Sure thing. You can take the Canadian out of
Canada, but, no, can’t get that Canada out. Eric’s Canadian too, though. As far
as I know, so.
’Kay, but there’s this other shot Matt got. It’s
like, it’s not a zoom but the camera is moving up my legs, up between my
thighs. A tracking shot? Anyway, my ass cheeks look like a pair of the Rocky
Mountains.
In the best possible way.
Like I got booty.
Like that British guy, that British narrator, um—
Yeah, David Attenborough. Like David
Attenborough’s gonna talk about the, what is it? Rain shadow? I think that’s
it. The rain shadow of my ass.
Eric said, “Damn,” or something equally predatory
and appreciative.
No man, I make him sound dangerous. I could take
him.
Okay, last story.
Sorry. You have work to do. You’re trying to get a
degree or something.
Happy to help you procrastinate, sis.
Alright. So, we are having dinner and Eric gets up
to take a call from his partner—business partner—and Matt says, Let’s get the
fuck out of here. We get out on the beach and there are all these other people
walking up and down and it’s dusk and I actually fully forget myself and I wrap
my arm around his arm.
I did forget myself. It was a mistake.
I’m not saying I wasn’t all for what it meant.
Like, it was an action I could stand behind, an action that I meant, but not
what I intended. It was too late, though, obviously.
Well, he squeezed his arm in towards his body and
put his hand on mine. I looked up at his face, not sure I should take it to
mean anything and he smiled and laughed and turned red. We sat down on the
beach because, he said, “It’s hard to walk with an erection.”
Don’t tell me what he didn’t say.
I told you we didn’t have sex. Sleep together.
Fuck. Didn’t I say that?
Sure, I had my hand on the inside of his thigh on
a beach as the sun went down. I had my head on his shoulder. I laughed at his
jokes. He’s talking about hard-ons and his hand is exploring by back and my
side, even brushing the side of my breast as he plays his shaking fingers up my
rib cage. It seemed bound to happen. He was shivering. I asked him if he wanted
to go inside. “I’m not cold,” he said. “Let’s go inside,” I said.
We were walking back to the hotel hand in hand
when he stopped. I was like what’s wrong and he went, “Agh.” We were like
almost back to the hotel when he let go of my hand and said, “Sorry. Someone is
texting me like crazy.” I stood ahead of him a few steps. He looked strange in
the blue light from his phone. I saw him shaking his head. I didn’t want to ask
what the texts were all about, who they were from. Mood is a thing. For him,
but also for me. I’m not some home wrecker. I’m not the girl from my song.
No, I’m not. I’m just a free person trying to get
with another free person.
What do you mean, Nobody’s free? That’s a bit
philosophical for you, isn’t it?
That’s a point. Obviously that’s the issue, right?
You don’t need me to tell you that it was his
wife. Texting. She was really sick and his girls were sick, too. “I told her to
call my mom,” he said, irritated. “She’s asking if there’s any way I can come
home sooner.”
I nodded.
He couldn’t look at me. His eyes would find me for
a minute—for a millisecond—then he’d look out at the ocean or up at the sky. He
might have been crying. He told me he was sorry, he wasn’t feeling well. He
repeated that he was sorry, squeezed my shoulder and walked off towards his
room.
Ha ha. Um. Yeah. No I didn’t come home with the
condoms.
I told you that I didn’t sleep with Matt.
Not some hot Cuban, either.
Eric, obviously. I don’t know why. It wasn’t very
good.
He wasn’t, he’s not, dangerous.
I think I’d just prepared myself to sleep with
someone.
Don’t call me that. You should know better.
Sure. I’m sure you could guess. He came too soon.
Not that I think I was going to come. I wasn’t that comfortable with him,
that’s what I’ll say. I’ve got to be comfortable with a person, feel like they
aren’t judging me if I’m going to come.
I think Matt had the same flu his family got. He
stayed in his room our last day. And Eric got kinda possessive. The flight home
was way less fun. We all took a cab together.
Eric was trying to convince Matt to come in the
cab and he kept saying no, no, no. Then Eric went to the bathroom and Matt
started saying goodbye to me. I asked him to come with us. He didn’t say
anything, just nodded. Eric got back from the bathroom and said, “Okay then,
Matty. I’ll call you later.” Matt said he was coming in the taxi and Eric acted
all surprised.
I know you gotta go. I just. Let me finish. We
dropped Eric off at his office. So, Matt lives sort a around the corner from
me. The cab went to his house next. I told him, Well it was nice to meet you.
He nodded. Said the same thing back. He wasn’t looking at me at all. We stopped
in front of his house. “Guess, I’ll see you,” he said. I told him where I
lived. “Maybe I’ll see you,” he said. He squeezed my hand, opened the door,
then got out. Before he closed the door, he pointed to my hand and said, “You
should probably wash that.”
Maybe it was because he was sick. Maybe.
Toronto, Feb. 2016
Emoji sequence: writer, director and music video maker Scott Cudmore
Story: Lee Sheppard
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