It
was bad enough that they’d crashed our wedding.
Well,
not exactly our wedding. They were invited to that.
Right.
It was the two days before, all the preparations at my parents’ place. That’s
what they crashed.
Mike
said there weren’t any rooms available at the hotel.
Which,
if it was even true, meant that they had tried to book, like, that day.
No
one visits that corner of the world unless they have family there. Even with
the sixty people—
Sixty-four.
Sixty-four
people coming to the wedding from out of town, that would leave, like, three
quarters of the hotel empty.
What
you have to understand is my mom is really sensitive about things going off
plan—
Like,
really sensitive.
Super
super sensitive.
But
Mike and Lisa just drove up with all their stuff and parked on the grass right
where the tent was going to go.
Where
later that day the people put the tent.
It
had rained and so their shitty little Civic left these two deep ruts in the
lawn.
Which
you probably remember because the flower girl stumbled on them during the
ceremony.
Which
sent rose petals everywhere and totally cracked Mike up.
Glad
somebody thought it was funny. But here’s the thing. Mike and Lisa were pretty
good bridge players and we would play bridge with them every week or so back in
Toronto. They knew that my mom and dad played, right, because when I taught
them to play, I talked about how that’s where I learned and that’s where the
way we bid came from and all that. So, like, while my mom was worried about how
to ask them to move the car and where they were going to sleep, Mike was
already, in that big voice of his, like, “Bridge tonight?”
So
the other thing you need to know is that my mother-in-law is, like, really into
coincidence and the universe as this magical place that engineers random
events—good or bad—to tell her, to tell people, things.
Have
you seen that Amy Schumer skit with Bill Nye? It’s just like that.
If
you haven’t seen it, you should. Hilarious.
OK.
My dad hates cell phones—
Even
though he has one—
For
when he’s on call.
Still.
Yeah.
So, like two years ago—before the wedding and Mike and Lisa crashing the family
home—
—the
last time we played bridge with your parents—
—we
were playing and Dad has this rule about not picking up the phone when you are,
like, playing bridge or eating dinner. Stuff like that. But my cell phone kept
ringing. Then their home phone was ringing. Eventually, my mom decided to pick
it up.
While
your dad was trying a small-slam.
Yeah,
like a six spades.
Hearts,
wasn’t it?
Spades,
I think. A hard contract.
Like,
one of the hardest.
But
my brother was in trouble.
He’s
dead.
Well,
not actually. But on the phone they say he’s dead. He’s found some chef who,
like, smuggled in some fugu.
Blowfish.
Fugu
is the Japanese for blowfish.
Have
you read The Serpent and The
Rainbow by Wade Davis?
You
should. It’s really interesting.
Like,
John Carpenter made it into a movie.
Wes
Craven. The point is, you get paralyzed, but your brain is active. This is with
fugu poisoning. The book and the movie are about zombies in Haiti.
But
it’s related.
Yeah.
So, the way people die from blowfish poisoning is that they suffocate because
they stop being able to breathe.
Like
the muscles that make you breathe, they stop working. You can survive, though.
But you look dead.
OK,
so we drove down to Toronto, to the hospital.
Without
finishing the hand.
Obviously.
The doctor there—at the hospital—knows my dad from med school. My brother’s
boyfriend is there.
He’s
the one who explained about the fugu.
He
wouldn’t say where they got it, though.
Like
who served him.
Right.
But we’ve both read that Wade Davis book and we’re like, He might still be
alive. He might survive it.
He
did.
Real
heroic, right? But, we didn’t tell this to Mike and Lisa, about my brother
surviving.
We
did explain, though, how we hadn’t played bridge since that night.
Which
was because my mom thought that the universe, by killing my brother—
—for
about a day—
—was
trying to say not to play bridge.
Like
the universe cares.
Right.
Why
didn’t we explain to Mike and Lisa about your brother being still alive?
I
guess I thought it was evident, maybe.
Yeah.
Like they would have heard if your brother had died.
I
don’t know. How did they even react?
Oh,
Mike was going like, Man, and, Oh my God, and swiping his hand down his face.
How
did we not figure it out?
I
feel like I sort of knew he didn’t get it.
No
way.
Maybe
I thought it was funny.
You’re
bad.
I
don’t remember.
Anyway,
we wait for my mom and dad to go to bed and we get out the bridge decks. We
deal out our first hands.
And
you’ve got a great hand.
So
great. Mike and I are partners.
And
you call a six heart.
Spade,
but whatever. The point is that my phone—
Which
is behind Mike—
It
starts ringing and I’m playing this hand so I ignore it at first. But it keeps
ringing and I’m like, Mike, can you pick that up? Tell them I’ll call them
back.
So
Mike says, Hello? then turns this shade of grey that is, like, scary.
I
thought we were going to have to take him to the hospital.
Seriously.
It’s
my brother on the phone, calling to say that his bus has just arrived in town,
could someone please pick him up. And by the way, what’s wrong with Mike?
We
didn’t expect him—
—my
brother—
—until
the next day.
But
Mike thought he was dead, so that’s what was wrong with Mike.
We
didn’t play bridge the rest of their visit, though.
Well,
we were doing wedding stuff.
But
Mike and Lisa didn’t even ask.
No.
I did finish that hand though. I made it.
Yeah?
I don’t remember that, but sure.
I
did make it. Come on.
That’s
not the point of the story.
No.
True.
Toronto, May-June 2015
Emoji sequence: Emma Sheppard
Story: Lee Sheppard
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